Hiya, Phone the polis.
Dinnae worry, im not going to make this a giant, monolithic End of Year Retrospective about the state of cinema and how Yes, Maybe I DID Try Torrent My Memories So That I Could Chromecast The Moment I Winded Myself Infront of a High School Crush and how Superheroes are actually bad because they reinforce that the individual is bad and that working with people you'll eventually murder or plot against is the only identity thats worth anything. Nah, this is just the top 10, for me, that came out this year. Clean cut. Get in the car, kid.
10. - Gods of Egypt
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Gerard Butler and Alex "the Crow" Proyas team up to literally deliver a river of gold, blood and monsters right into my big dumb eyes. This film got panned by critics and audiences alike showing that, once more, no one has a fucking clue about films. Not even me. Or you. Or T H E M. Maybe the stupidest movie alive but something like this that so earnestly gives us terrible scaling, trap doors, endless vistas of a journey through the afterlife, geoffrey rush on a spaceship fighting a fucking ancient spaceworm and giant snakes being hypnotized? Aye. Absolutely Aye.
09. - Creed
Creed made me want to be a better man. A version of myself that i could be proud of and present to world as something to channel hope and love into. A conduit of human spirit and essence. To use my soul to express that I am more than that. Creed is the best Rocky film. No question.
08. - Blair Witch
I went to see Blair Witch on my own, sat beside no one, inside a half-full theatre filled with people completely enveloped by the scares and the thrust of it and, for the first time in............forever(?), i left the cinema actually shaking. Blair Witch genuinely scared me and reminded of all the things I ever feared while growing up near and around forests my whole life. Im not stanning for Wingard and, by this point, defending BW is greeted with Not a Good Time, but i deeply loved it. So so much.
07. - Arrival
The art of diplomacy and understanding.
A unity through the shared paradigm of a single code that, depending on how you decipher it, is universal. Meditative science fiction on the loneliness of man and the endless gifts of the universe we'll eventually unlock. Beautiful and sad. Hopeful and studious. Good.
06. - The Alchemist' Cookbook
I think literally the last article on the site was my one for this, so just scroll down and read it! Im no telling ye more about it. Go read. Or watch. Its well good.
05. - Under the Shadow
Please dont call it "the Iranian Babadook". Its more than that.
The framing of 1980's post-revolution Iran, ancient Islamic world-old demons and instinctual relationships of protection and strength absolutely blew me to fucking bits.
Its also got THE #1 best jump scare of all time in it. I shat my breeks a screamer.
04. - The Love Witch
A rich, technicolour cornucopia of lust, 60's camp, feminist sharpness, witch craft and paganism bled through the TV as it interrupts a re-run of Bewitched. Anna Biller (alongside Joel Potrykus) is one of my absolute favourite indie genre filmmakers right now. Just fountains of imagination and originality. Fucking great.
03. - Kubo and the Two Strings
Emotionally musical and imaginatively lyrical.
Laika's most impressive film thus far. Frankly, fucking stunning.
02. - I Am Not A Serial Killer
About roughly 20 minutes in, I clicked and my brain went "ITS BASICALLY FRIGHT NIGHT" and you know what. Its not. But well it kind of is. Its basically if remakes were done right, IANASK would be the real Fright Night remake. Bold, fun, creepy and exciting but with a cold finger, wet wood telephone-pole small town that you instantly know and identify with. Mixing the familiarities of your towns and villages with itself. A proper symbiosis of atmosphere. Honestly, the best indie horror of the year. i want everyone in the world to watch it.
01. - Green Room
The first time i watched Green Room, i was totally fucking shitting myself because I didnt know what was coming.
The second time i watched Green Room, i was totally fucking shitting myself because I knew what was coming.
****BONUS BALL****
Favourite First Time Watch of 2016
Dead Mountaineer's Hotel
Its a fairly hard-to-come-by Estonian murder mystery horror film which, i know, sounds wanky, but this is The One. Dripping in atmosphere and high mountain snow drift arctic chill and painfully beautiful camerawork and oil slick plot turns and fucking stunning glacial lighting from reflections, this film has stuck with me since i watched it at the start of the year. It also asks us such a beautiful question at the end about humanity and the visitors we expect. Dead Mountaineer's Hotel became my favourite foreign movie ever this year.
(you can watch a very good full copy on youtube here shhhhhh)
Thanks for reading! Hope yous have a good NYE and 2017.
-findlay
